My first extended outdoor experience with a cloth mask did not go well. It was actually a “cool” day by Columbia standards, but even so, 30 minutes in the elements and I was sweating like a glass of iced tea in the hot sun. My hair was dripping, the pit stains were growing, and my mask was hanging on about as well as an old cloth diaper on a toddler full of apple juice.
What is the etiquette in these situations? Are we going to elicit evil looks if we “take a breather” from these masks for a few precious seconds? Is a “Karen” going to pop out from behind the trees and shame us on Instagram for daring to cool off?
These are legitimate concerns in 2020.
I didn’t want to make anyone around me nervous if I suddenly decided to go mask free, but I wasn’t exactly the picture of health sweating profusely with a soggy diaper on my face. So was it worse to take off the mask for a few free breaths potentially panicking half the free world or keep the mask on and die of a heat stroke?
If I had passed out, they would have had to deal with me anyway… right? Or, in this new COVID age, would I have been on my own until the professionals arrived?
“Uh… that dude just passed out… should we do anything?”
“Nah.. it’s OK; his mask didn’t come off. We’re safe.”
After much consternation, I went with option 3 and wiped off my sweaty brow with my back-up mask, a navy-blue bandana. Unfortunately, the bandana was a drippy mess in a matter of minutes, and I was back to my original predicament. However, I wasn’t alone. The mask fidgets were spreading faster than COVID itself.
Old and young alike were adjusting and pulling at those things like a bunch of baseball players and their… ahem… protective gear. Much to my satisfaction, I was also not the only one “glowing.”
Thankfully two miracles occurred: Cloud cover paired with the occasional breeze…two extremely rare things during an August day in Columbia. It was like God sent those gifts because He knew something was going to have to give…either the masks or our collective consciousness.
If not for that tiny bit of relief, the headlines probably would have read: “COVID blamed for mass hospitalizations from one small Columbia outdoor event.” Technically, the headline wouldn’t have been wrong, but I’m guessing a subhead would not have been “Masks blamed for multiple heat strokes.”
That just wouldn’t fit the narrative.
Well, I’m here to report, despite the proliferation of sweat at this little event, we all wore our masks and kept them on, bumped elbows to say hello, and stayed six feet apart as best as humanly possible. We also lost a few pounds of water weight along the way.
So we don’t have to worry about any headlines or our health, but we do need to wash our masks. They may have stopped COVID, but that didn’t stop them from stinking.
Get copies of Mike’s new books Sunnybrook and 20 Years of Something on Amazon here.
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