Squirrely Situations

 

“JULIAAAA….”

That was my husband Marty’s voice yelling my name earlier this week after he discovered my secret hiding place for squirrel food in my garage.

And he didn’t sound happy.

Probably because he tends to frown upon encouraging squirrels to live in our yard and I tend to occasionally feed them things like peanuts and corn. I wouldn’t say I actually “hide” these foods from Marty, but I definitely don’t leave them out in the open. These particular bags were in the back of a cupboard in what is now MY garage.

A few years ago, Marty decided he was at the stage in his life where he deserved to have his truck and his car in HIS garage. All through our marriage he has let me have the “two-car” garage for my car and left his vehicles out in the open. And believe me…the only way two vehicles could fit in that first garage would be if one of them was a golf cart. So he had a garage built in the back of the property and he has wall to ceiling storage. Dozens and dozens of cabinets. It’s a wonderful thing and having said that, I couldn’t help but wonder why he was plundering through MY garage. And in MY cupboards.

“What is it, My Sweetness and Life?” I figured I was going to have to lay it on pretty thick if the squirrels were going to get their treats.

“Please tell me you’re NOT feeding those damned squirrels! PLEASE!”

“Well…now, Marty…there’s no need to get so upset. I mean squirrels have to eat, too, you know. What’s the harm in it?”

“The squirrels DO EAT in this yard, Julia! They eat ALL the birdseed out of ALL the feeders. Those tree rats even eat the FEEDERS! Do you know how many times I’ve had to replace the gnawed up ones that have huge holes in them?”

“Well see, Marty… that’s my plan…I figure if I give them their own food, they’ll leave the bird feeders alone. So you see…there’s a method to my madness.”

“Yeah…sure, Julia. And how long exactly have you been feeding them?”

“Um…well…it hasn’t been all that long… why do you ask?” I was proud I remembered the best defense is a good offense!

“Because if you’ve been feeding them longer than two weeks, your plan is NOT working! I just had to go buy new feeders in July because those despicable RATS had DESTROYED two of the ones hanging. And I do mean DESTROYED! A HUGE gaping hole in the tube part…they had pulled off the little perch for the birds and literally chewed a hole to spill the seeds out.”

Well this wasn’t good. My brilliant defense was melting away like an ice cream cone in the summer heat.

“So, what do you suggest, Marty? You want me to stop feeding the squirrels? Where will they eat? We don’t have any fruit trees in the yard. And winter is coming.”

I know it was weak but it was all I had.

“WINTER? It’s AUGUST, Julia. In the SOUTH! Our winters aren’t exactly North Pole events! Squirrels are wild animals. They know where to find food.”

“Well it isn’t hurting anything to give them a little extra. Geeze, Marty…we feed the birds and the squirrels probably get their feelings hurt. It’s not like we’re buying the high line bird feeders either. I mean what do they cost? $5? $10?”

“They cost almost EIGHT dollars for your information and do you remember WHY we went to the cheap ones?”

He had me there. It had been my idea. Darn it!

“I seem to remember I may have suggested it…”

“That you did…and do you happen to recall WHY you suggested it? Let me remind you, my darling wife. You suggested it after the SQUIRRELS completely DECIMATED all those expensive ‘squirrel proof’ feeders you bought. They tore them up when they couldn’t get to the seeds.”

“Well they were HUNGRY then. That’s why I’m feeding them now.”

“I know how we can get rid of them permanently if you’d let me.” He sighed and walked out to the porch.

“If you’re talking about that BB gun idea you had, you can forget that right now, Marty!”

“You’d never know it, Julia. You wouldn’t have a clue.”

Marty had often threatened to shoot the squirrels, but I knew he never would. First of all, he’s too soft-hearted to hurt anything, and secondly… I’ve hidden his BB gun. I hid it in his garage in one of the cabinets. It would take him days to find it, and by then, the mood would pass. I love my husband, but I’m team squirrel all the way this time.

I’m just saying…