Editor’s Note: Julia is out of town this week. Enjoy this oldie from 2016.
It was a day like any other…I got up, made coffee and went to brush my teeth. We were spending the weekend at the lake, but this was Friday morning and Marty, my husband, was at his office working. We often go up on Thursdays to get a jump on the weekend, so this was pretty normal.
And then, as I glanced in the mirror, I saw something move. I turned around and there it was…sitting above my bathroom door was a HUGE Palmetto bug…the size of a sparrow!
I gasped, choked on my toothpaste, and screamed all at the same time! As I sputtered, coughed, and blew toothpaste through my nose, the bug just stared.
I backed up to my sink desperately trying to remember if Palmetto bugs could fly. Or jump. Or bite.
I was afraid to turn my back on him to spit out the toothpaste, and I was too scared to dash out the door because I thought he might jump on me. Or get in my hair!
My dog, Whitman, hearing my screams, came to the bathroom door and looked quizzically at me. His tail was drooping in confusion…he didn’t know if I was happy or mad. Fearing the bug would attack my pooch, I summoned up my courage and screamed a minty war cry as I fled the bathroom and pushed Whitman out of the way lest the bug attack him.
I was in a panic. I don’t like to kill things, but I couldn’t live with that monster in my bathroom. But those bugs are CRISPY! You hear it when you smash them. Memories from my college days came pouring back….walking across the twilight southern campus and hearing them crunch as you stepped on them! I simply couldn’t deal with that. I needed help. I texted Marty and asked if he could come home early. He glibly made some joke about a shotgun. Ratfink!
Clearly, my husband wasn’t hopping on his white horse and riding to my rescue. I knew our neighbors. Maybe one of them would help. I checked on the bug. He was in the exact same place where I had left him. I began to feebly hope he might be dead and just stuck to the wall. I screamed another war cry, again frightening the dog. The bug moved. Nope. He wasn’t dead.
I walked out into our yard. I didn’t see anyone outside. DRAT! I couldn’t just go ring the doorbells of people and ask them to come catch and release a bug. They’d think I was crazy.
Reality set in. I was totally on my own.
It was me against the beast.
I squared my shoulders and purposefully walked back into the house. He was still there.
I took a deep breath, stepped into the bathroom, and looked up at the brute. (I knew not to show fear from watching old cowboy movies.)
I looked at him, and he looked at me. Neither of us blinked. (He did wiggle his antennas which sort of frightened me, but I didn’t have my phone and couldn’t Google what that meant!)
“Ok bug…” I said in my bravest voice. “Here’s how this is going to go down. I’m giving you one chance….JUST ONE. I’m walking out of here and giving you time to scram. When I come back, if you’re still here…you’re MINE!”
Now what the bug didn’t know was that I had no plan. I really didn’t want to kill him, but I was terrified to have him in the house. He was up too high for me to do the old cardboard/ cup catch and release thing. My best plan was to knock him on the floor and put a jar over him till Marty got home. And pray he didn’t land on me in the process.
After a couple of minutes of searching, I found a heavy jar and some cardboard. I went back to the bathroom confidant I could do this. I took a deep breath and headed for the bathroom wielding my weapons. Then I heard it! A car door!
The dog barked! I heard my husband greet him! Oh happy days! Marty was home! HE would catch the bug for me. Yesssss! Oh thank you Lord! Thank you Universe! Thank you all things holy!
I quickly explained what was going on, gave my husband my jar and cardboard, and pushed him toward the bathroom.
“Be careful honey! He’s big!” I warned.
I heard a loud noise. Out came Marty from the bathroom holding the crumpled cardboard.
“Where’s the jar? The cardboard? What happened?”
“I hit him with the jar and picked him up with the cardboard. From now on just use a shoe. Glass breaks when you kill bugs with it, you know.”
Well…for once, I had nothing to say…
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