Defending Detoxing

 

Editor’s Note: Julia is still out of town this week… enjoy an oldie but a goodie.

“Oh for crying out loud, Julia…NOW what?”

This was from my husband, Marty, the other day as I was opening yet another box mailed from afar. He was remarking on my latest “medical miracle,” some foot pads from Japan that claim they draw all the toxins in your body out through your feet.

Marty was a little dubious about those claims.

I, on the other hand, thought this was a wonderful discovery! I was so excited I bought two series of the pads so Marty and I could detox ourselves together.

Sadly, Marty was not enthusiastic about my new discovery at all.

“So we’re supposed to sleep with these Band-Aids on our feet?” He was reluctantly reading the directions on his package. “We’ll need to wear socks, Julia. I don’t sleep in socks, Ju-li-a!”

“Oh, Marty…just try it once. Listen to this… these pads are made of the finest quality materials and every one is completely natural!”

“So what does THAT mean? They are probably just big Band-Aids that do absolutely NOTHING!” He was standing up with his arms crossed across his chest…that’s never a good sign.

“Marty! They are from the ORRRRRREEEEEENT!!!! Do you have ANY idea how OLD Asian medicine is? Why the Chinese have had…”

“Chinese? I thought you said these were Japanese!” He cut me off mid-sentence! He almost never does that! I knew then I was going to have a bit of a challenge convincing him to try the pads.

“They are actually from Japan, Marty…but I’m sure there’s a little crossing over in all Asian medicines just like in American ones. And seriously, we have nothing to lose.”

“Except maybe a FOOT, Julia! You don’t know anything about these things…they could infect us with some crazy disease! They could pull something we NEED out of our feet! I’m not doing it, and I don’t think you should either! It could be dangerous!”

“Oh for heaven’s sake, Marty…they are just little pads to clean the toxins out of our bodies. It will be fine. When have I ever led you astray?” I winked at him and kissed his cheek.

“Well there was that time…” I leaned over and quickly kissed him on the mouth before he could tell me whatever he was going to bring up.

That night as we were getting ready for bed I was pretty excited. I got us each a pair of soft socks and brought out the pads. I think I was even humming a little tune to myself as I began to prepare to be cleansed.

“You DO know what P.T. Barnham said don’t you, Julia?”

“Well I’m sure he had a lot to say, Marty… which particular thing are you referring to?” I knew EXACTLY what he was referring to, but I wasn’t going to give him the pleasure of recognizing the reference!

“He said, ‘There’s a sucker born every minute,’ and boy, he must have been talking about YOU! You have bought some crazy stuff over the years but detoxing foot pads? Oh man! This is the best one yet!”

He was practically cackling at his own jokes. I was beginning to get irritated.

“Well before you call me a ‘sucker,’ Mr. Hook, perhaps we’ll try the foot pads and see what happens.”

I handed him his two pads and we put them on our feet after our showers. Then we wore white socks to keep them on during the night.

We. Were. Miserable!

Neither of us like to sleep in socks so that in itself was a peculiar feeling, but I wouldn’t have admitted that if he physically tortured me! I kept kicking the covers off all night, and I was tossing and turning like a salad spinner. He was groaning in his sleep, and he kept sticking his feet out of the covers. The cat and dog finally both got off the bed and went to their own beds elsewhere. I’m guessing they couldn’t sleep with us rolling around the bed like two crazed balls in a pinball machine. And…it was hot in socks!

I half expected Marty to wake up and rip the socks and pads off his feet, but we both soldiered on throughout the night. The next morning when I woke up, I pulled off the socks and the pads, and WOW! Those pads were BLACK!

It was only 5:30 in the morning, and while I know I shouldn’t wake him, I was too excited not to share the triumph with my husband.

“Marty,” I whispered as I gently shook him.

“Omph augh grmpgh!” he grunted as he turned over away from me.

“Maaaarrrrrteeeeee” I whispered closer to his ear and tickled his chin.

“WHAT! WHAT’S WRONG?” He sat up so quickly he almost knocked me out of the bed. He looked ready to beat somebody up!

“Marty! It’s just me…look!” I proudly held up my blackened foot pads as I grinned from ear to ear.

“You woke me up to show me dirty rags, Julia? Have you completely lost your mind?” His face got all scrunched up and he huffed and sighed and squirmed back under the covers. He gave me one final exasperated snort as he turned his back on me.

“That’s not DIRT, Marty! That’s the TOXINS that were in our body. I feel so clean! And lighter…do you feel lighter, Marty?”

“NO, Julia! I feel SLEEPY! Please go back to sleep…we can talk about your clean feet later.”

“It’s not my FEET, Marty! My WHOLE BODY has been cleansed! Don’t you feel it?”

If he felt anything from the foot pads, he clearly didn’t want to discuss it before sunrise so I went downstairs for coffee. As I drank it, I wondered about all the inventers who made such amazing discoveries over the years. It’s a good thing THEIR partners weren’t like my Marty! Mrs. Franklin would have told Ben to put down his silly kite; Mrs. Bell would have told Alexander to “get a real job;” and the two Mrs. Wrights would have grounded Orville and Wilber!

Spousal support is very important in life improvement endeavors.

I’m just saying…