Columbia Star

1963        Celebrating 60 Years      2023

Thirty–something speaks

Rudolph v. Santa Claus, Docket No. 12985

Mike Maddock

Mike Maddock

Rudolph v. Santa Claus, Docket No. 12985

My kids and I were watching Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer the other day, and it occurred to me this holiday classic might finally be a tad bit outdated. Not because of the herky–jerky stop animation, but because, in this day and age, Rudolph could have owned Santa Claus and his fleet of reindeer. The red nosed one could have sued Santa for every bit of his Christmas Empire right down to the last cookie crumb.

Rudolph could have retired to the Caribbean on the pain and suffering alone. He wasn’t allowed to work. He was called names constantly, and he was kicked out of all those fantastic reindeer games simply because of the red glow from his nose. Hermy the Elf should have given up that silly dentist dream and tried to pass the BAR. Then he and Rudolph could have gotten those guys from the island of misfit toys and started a class–action lawsuit. Their buddy Yukon Cornelius would have never had to lick his pickaxe again.

Of course, if Santa were a smart guy, he would have counter–sued Rudolph for making that awful noise all the time. Forget the red glow, the annoying buzz from Rudolph’s nose is what would have made me run screaming every time he landed on my roof.

Why didn’t anyone ever say anything about that buzzing sound?

The red light may have attracted abominable snowmen, but that noise was worse than some of the clueless, early contestants on American Idol . Santa could have said that buzz was killing his business. It’s kind of hard to sneak from rooftop to rooftop when the lead reindeer is shattering windows with the high-pitched scream emanating from his schnozz.

Lucky for us, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is a classic for a reason. It showed the same thing 50 years ago, and it does today. Part of growing up means facing your problems, and everyone has a special purpose, even if that special purpose comes with a blinding light and an ear–popping squeal.

We can wonder if the story may have come to a different conclusion if Santa’s elves had just installed fog lights on the sleigh or if the blinding snow storm had never happened, but the fact is Santa and Rudolph worked it out and everyone was happy, because only happy people break out into song, which is exactly what happened.

Hopefully, we won’t have to worry about an updated version. Rudolph and Santa won’t be on People’s Court, and they won’t be duking it out on Jerry Springer any time soon. They worked things out the old fashioned way without litigation or reality TV.

Hermy gets to be a dentist. Yukon Cornelius gets to stay indoors once in a while. The misfit toys get new homes. Rudolph gets to play reindeer games and only has to work when the weather is bad, and Santa gets to keep his Christmas Empire. Now if we could just do something about that buzzing.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.