My friends all think I’m a sissy.
I recently had lunch with some girlfriends, and the conversation, as usual, turned to traveling and our bucket lists and such. We all love to travel, and of course, we love to hear each other’s stories. One of the girls was planning a trip to Africa, and I was captivated.
“Tell me everything,” I said, leaning forward.
They all exchanged looks, and no one was making eye contact me.
“What’s going on, ladies…did I say something wrong?” They all sort of burst into laughter.
“Julia, seriously? You? On a safari? In Africa?”
“Well, yeah…why not?”
They all cracked up in laughter. Lots of jokes were made and I have to admit… I laughed with them. I was still thinking about that lunch and their reaction when I got home. I told my husband, Marty, about the conversation.
And he broke up laughing, too.
“WHAT’S SO FUNNY, MARTY?”
“Oh, baby…nothing…” He could barely speak in between his guffaws!
“You’re laughing just like the girls did, Marty… WHAT is so funny about me going to Africa to see the Big Five on a safari?”
He was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to hurt himself.
“You? In Africa? Oh, Julia….it’ll never happen.”
“Why NOT?”
“Because you are NOT an outdoorsy person, Julia. You don’t even sit outside in the summer here unless it’s by the pool.”
“Oh for crying out loud, Marty…I’m not just talking about buying a pup tent at Sam’s and taking off for the jungle. I’m talking about a nice hotel and a guide that takes you on trails to see the wildlife.”
“Oh, sure…I would just LOVE to see you about noon in Africa traipsing after a guide who was looking for some wildlife to show you! That would be priceless.”
And he began chuckling again.
“What exactly are you saying, Marty…that I can’t take a little heat?”
“A little heat? Ha! You won’t leave the house now if it’s 90 or above. It’s triple digits over there a LOT of the time. You’d be miserable!”
“Lots of African countries stay in the 80s, Marty. I can do 80.” I wanted him to know I was no shrinking violet!
“Okaaay…what about the bugs?”
“Bugs? You mean like mosquitos? We have mosquitos right here, Marty! They are annoying, but they don’t hurt you except for the itching.”
“Yes, but the African mosquitos can carry viruses, Mrs. Hook…viruses that can make you very very sick! Or worse! And then the tsetse flies…they’re fun… they inject a PARASITE into your BLOOD when they sting you…a PAAAR-ASITE, Julia…in your BLOOD!!!!”
I told him he was lying, and he told me to Google it.
He was right.
Damn. I went to find him.
“Okay…you were right, Marty…not only those flies and mosquitos but there are wasps and horseflies that apparently have a painful sting or bite and, dear Heaven…there’s a bug called an Assassin! There’s a spider whose bite can cause paralysis and another one that causes skin LESIONS!”
I must have looked pretty shaken because he came over and hugged me.
“Yes, and I don’t want my baby to get all paralyzed or come home with lesions on that pretty skin either! You stay right here in good old South Carolina where our mosquitos and those old no-see-ums just make us itch.”
“My girlfriends are right, Marty…I really am a sissy!”
“No, baby…you’re not a sissy…you’re just delicate… you know…like a flower…you’re not like a weed that can grow anywhere… you’re more like a hothouse flower…you need certain things to be happy and thrive…and fighting all those bugs and that triple digit heat isn’t something you need to do.”
“But I wanted to see the Big Five, Marty…or at least the cats and the elephants…” I sighed in his arms.
“Don’t you worry, darlin’, we’ll go to the Riverbanks Zoo…they might have all five of those animals. And they have air conditioned restaurants, too.”
“It won’t be the same though, Marty.”
“You’re right…it’ll be BETTER! I think they might even let you feed a few of them…and you know how you like to feed things.”
“Do you think they still have that zip-line?” I was warming up to the idea.
“It doesn’t matter if they do, sweetheart…you aren’t getting on it.” He tightened his arms around me.
“Why NOT, Marty?”
Because I don’t want my little hothouse flower to break her pot to smithereens, that’s why!”
“Oh you’re sweet, Marty. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” He kissed me and went to the den.
I don’t know if that zip line is still at our zoo, but if it is…Marty doesn’t have to know everything, does he?
Hot house flower… phhffffiiiitzzzz!!!!!
I’m just saying…
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