Being a Man

 

I’ve been reading about Being a Man recently. You’d think after this long in existence we’d have a good idea of what makes a man a man. But things keep changing and old rules are broken, disavowed, or long forgotten.

This started a couple weeks ago when I read something about multitasking in the shower. It always seemed so, well, elementary to me. You’re standing there naked. Water is flowing freely, mixed with soap. Why not? Turns out this isn’t related to hygiene or spending eternity in the fiery pit of Hell. It’s about our pelvic floor.

I keep reading articles about how standing up while emptying the bladder causes muscles of the pelvic floor to weaken. I thought only women suffered from that, but countless articles now say men should also sit while urinating. That’s gonna cause trouble for lots of guys.

Men, especially young men, have a hard time with manhood. There are so many conflicting things involved—especially in modern times. Long ago, men were men and women were women. We didn’t need an expert like Jesse Waters to carefully explain how Real Men behaved.

But when women began to once again participate in the outside world, things began changing— rapidly. And now we have different opinions for differing generations. To hear Mr. Waters explain manhood, it’s simple. Don’t eat ice cream cones, use a straw, or wear a bike helmet. And vote Republican. For the rest of us it’s not so easy. Then I saw an article that should help.

Being a widely read journalist, I check out a diverse range of sources for information. One that’s reliable is BuzzFeed. It does surveys about important issues and tallies the results for the rest of us. Some of its subjects are rather random, but this one is important. Since it originally came from Reddit, I know it is valid. Readers offered things struggling guys won’t do because it doesn’t seem manly.

I’ve soloed in an airplane, caught the last out, hit a walk-off homer, and been given a victory ride on the shoulders of 12-year-olds after they won a championship. So I’m not concerned. But if you are undecided about the validity of your Man Card, here are a few things you might want to think about.

These are considered no-no’s: using hair conditioner; the color pink— whether allowing a son to be dried off with a pink towel, wear pink clothes, or drinking from a pink cup— several men expressed concern about this; refusing to buy feminine hygiene products for a significant other, although I would think this one would take care of itself. Riding in another man’s boat and consuming a “fruity drink” were considered unmanly. Several admitted to never having changed their child’s diaper— manliness has nothing to do with that one— this is cowardice.

I finally realized insecure men wouldn’t take the advice of someone with no TikTok account featuring giant muscles. These guys need someone trustworthy. But not to worry, I’m good. A couple years back, I grilled a Porterhouse steak, rare of course, while wearing a catheter.

I think that makes my Man Card good for life.