2017-12-08 / Commentary

The Mysterious Mega-Dog

40–Something

Once again I am in serious danger of becoming the grumpy old man screaming at something to get off my lawn...but this time it may be justified.

This morning I walked out in my front yard to discover that some elephant-sized dog left me not one but two piles of his best work. I did not see the dog, but I certainly saw what he left, and there’s no way this stuff was coming from a Chihuahua. It’s either a St. Bernard or a grizzly bear. Either way, I’m not happy.

Don’t get me wrong. I love dogs. I grew up with a Collie, and I’ve had at least one dog in the house since I had a full head of hair. I currently have two dogs...a very old Cocker Spaniel and an even older Basset Hound.

My Cocker Spaniel is the sweetest dog on the planet, but she’s essentially blind and spends more time scratching than a Hip Hop DJ. She’s allergic to... well... everything. Her hair is falling out, and at times, she looks like an extra on the set of “The Walking Dead.”

My Basset Hound couldn’t hear an explosion if it set his tail on fire. He also smells like a garbage can two seconds out of the tub, and he has pockets of fat under his skin that routinely burst like zits on steroids. So, he’s kind of a cross between an old man in constant need of a shower and a teenager with an extreme case of acne. We’re running out of safe places to pet him.

I love my dogs, but they’re old and a little gross. We go for walks under cover of darkness, so they won’t scare any neighborhood kids.

Having said all that, my pups have been and continue to be great dogs, but they do require a lot of maintenance beyond what is normally expected of suburban dogs. And then there’s the fact that— despite their many health issues—there’s absolutely nothing wrong with their digestive systems.

In other words, my wife and I spend a lot of our “free time” cleaning up after them. So, the last thing I want to do is clean up after some oversized, mega-dog who has taken a liking to the comforts of my front yard.

This mega-dog is sneaky, too. You’d think something leaving such giant clues on my lawn would be easily spotted, but he’s as elusive as Bigfoot.

My Cocker Spaniel was losing her mind the other day. She was barking near the front door like her life depended on letting us know something was in her front yard, and she didn’t like it.

I should have paid her more attention. I halfheartedly checked the front yard and saw nothing. I figured a neighbor was walking by or the Christmas lights were messing with her. I mean, she’s mostly blind...what could she really be seeing other than a few weird shadows?

Well, after narrowly missing a couple of piles of evidence this morning, I’m guessing my Cocker Spaniel had spotted the mysterious mega-dog. If I had given her alerting skills the attention they deserved, I may not have had to dodge our enigmatic visitor’s work.

The next time my Cocker Spaniel gives me a “heads up,” I’m going to turn on the sprinklers. If that doesn’t scare off the mega-dog, then I guess I’m just going to have to invest in a bigger shovel.

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