2017-10-06 / Commentary

Going off the grid


I would seriously go off the grid if I weren’t hopelessly dependent and addicted to my iPhone.

But I am. Which, I’m afraid, leaves me vulnerable to the little computer nerds sitting alone in their parents’ basements with nothing better to do than screw with me.

The other day I was working away, minding my own business when I got an email from “Find My iPhone” saying, “Lost Mode enabled on iPhone.”

This was odd because my phone, as it usually is, was sitting beside me on the desk minding its own business.

I picked it up, and sure enough, it said Lost Mode Enabled with an email address listed below for help. I asked for help, and immediately I got a blackmail email in response. It said my phone had been locked, and I had to send $50 to some kind of weird cyber address to get it unlocked.

Uh oh. I tried my passcode. It didn’t work. I tried it again. It didn’t work again.

Then I cursed all pointy-headed computer geeks with a penchant for stealing identities, and I punched the buttons furiously.

My harsh treatment of my phone was mostly out of a growing frustration but also because I’m old enough to remember keyboards that would respond to a good, hard thumping.

Unfortunately, this keyboard responded by locking me out of my own phone.

That’s when I really lost it. I punched the phone harder. I damned all identity thieves to Hell, and I threatened to move deep into the Rocky Mountains and shun anything remotely electronic. Of course if I did that I’d probably freeze to death or get eaten by a grizzly bear as I hopelessly tried to find a Wi-Fi hotspot.

So, instead I called someone at Apple for help. The good news was that I was not connected to a guy with an impossibly thick Indian accent named “Steve.” In fact, my guy had a southern drawl, but the bad news was, while my southern brethren was very nice and apologetic, he had no earthly idea how to help me.

After a few more choice words, I finally just took my phone to a local Verizon office. A nice guy there got it back in working order. I lost all my contacts and a few apps, but I didn’t care. This Verizon guy was my hero, and I was just grateful to be back on the grid...so to speak.

No need to worry about grizzlies just yet.

That being said, I did want to say one thing to the person who messed with my phone:

Go outside once in a while you pasty little blackmailer and play with the three-dimensional people! I swear if you put as much energy into your own life as you put into screwing with other people’s lives, you’d be a billionaire!

Of course, if I’m accusing the wrong person and this is part of another grand Russian conspiracy, then I sincerely apologize. Still, it wouldn’t hurt you to get outside every now and then. I hear the Rockies are lovely this time of year.

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