The lady’s name is Giada, and she hosts a TV cooking show. Skinny as a rail even considering the ten pounds television adds, Giada’s program is based on the idea that preparing healthy foods can be fun, easy, and produce delicious results. She was making a vegetable juice concoction that looked as tantalizing as John Goodman naked.

Giada was using a device that resembled what the aliens used in War of the Worlds to convert humans into nutritious snacks. Her unit was much smaller but extracted the juice from fruits and vegetables while discarding the offal. Same principle as the aliens’ idea; something Donald Trump would use to reduce the number of poor people in the country.

Giada gathered celery, apples, oranges, and such, then tossed in a little peeled ginger. The resulting juice seemed eerily similar to what was regurgitated when I fed my infant children Gerber strained peas too swiftly.

When the processor stopped, Giada licked her tiny lips, took a big swig, and swallowed the disgusting swill without a whimper. What a TV pro. Smiling, she continued on, making other really healthy tasteless meals for the calorie conscious. I was watching this show in a restaurant. When my po-boy and fries arrived, I forgot about Giada.

Our country is being overrun by food Nazis: mean skinny little know-it-alls who think the answer to our country’s increasing waist lines and growing obesity issues is to eat crappy food. For example: Arugula, low calorie dressing on the side, sprouts, tofu, fresh fruit with lemon zest topping for dessert. TV cooks have decided that the things we’ve been eating for centuries, things that taste great and provide necessary sustenance, are no longer safe for consumption.

And now these fascists have gone too far. They are attacking the one pure and true voice in televised nutrition, Paula Deen. This former street vendor from Savannah has spent several years preaching the gospel of good tasting television food. Lard, salt, and a “stick of butter, y’all,” has been her message. And we love her for it.

A few weeks back, when she publicly revealed she was diagnosed with diabetes, Paula was attacked by everyone in the cooking business. Even Tony Bourdain, a former chain smoker and drug abuser, called Ms. Dean the most dangerous person in America.

This country was once a physical country. Sixty years ago nine of ten working people actually worked performing some task that required tools, strong hands, and a shower after a full day. Now we sit in cubicles and produce documents. Our days involve studies, comparisons, and computer mockups.

We no longer make anything except plans for another committee meeting. The resulting weight gain has been both predictable and widespread. Everyone panicked and began to shy away from anything that tasted yummy.

Last week, Paula resurfaced looking a couple of dress sizes smaller. She said she eats a little less and walks each day but still enjoys the food she grew up on. She promised to continue preparing her favorites but reminded everyone to practice intelligent eating and get some exercise.

We don’t need no stinkin’ food nazis dictating our menu. Especially if it includes lemon zest.