The last couple of weeks I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to get the required amount of sleep along with the recommended daily 30 minutes of exercise I would have to go to bed at 6 p.m. every night. That’s about as realistic as the other half of my health plan, which is part of some diabolical food pyramid scheme to substitute a fat rib eye and a bowl of Mayfield chocolate chip ice cream with a couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter and a bowl of whole grain cereal.

That just isn’t going to happen.

So my last option is simply to avoid the hazards in life, but that can be hazardous in itself. One minute the health experts are saying a glass of wine a day contributes to good heart health, and the next day they’re saying too much wine causes breast cancer. Now, I’m not smart enough to know whether I need to worry about breast cancer or not. All I know is that I’ve got too much to worry about already. Adding another stressor would outweigh the potential heart benefits of a glass of wine, so I’ll probably just stick with beer. It only causes cirrhosis, cancer, and a few extra sit-ups. I can live with that. Plus, it might count as one of my servings of grain.

There are other things out there equally as confusing. Dentists and mothers are always harping about brushing teeth. We don’t want rotten teeth or bad breath so we comply. And if we don’t, then it’s in the water supply anyway. What they don’t mention is that too much fluoride not only stains your teeth, but it can hurt your gums and melt your insides. That last part might be a bit of an exaggeration, but there’s enough stuff on the Internet to make me chunk my toothbrush and switch to nothing but sugarless gum.

But that’s probably not a good idea either.

After some cracker-jack research (aka Google), I’ve learned there are enough toxins in a piece of gum to kill a small dog. Supposedly, the sugar substitutes in gum can cause diarrhea and irritable bowl syndrome— among other things. That’s enough to send me running back to my toothbrush and an industrial sized tube of Crest.

Some things we don’t even have to ingest. It seems no one can agree about the potential harmful effects of cell phone usage, but enough scientists are out there saying that little handheld device can cause tumors to make me think more than once about it. I wonder if my wife would take that as an excuse?

“I’m sorry, Honey. I couldn’t take your calls all day because they would have fried my brain.”

I guess I could switch to constant texting, but I’m already a pretty bad driver, and I’m not sure that’s what God intended when he gave us opposable thumbs.

So what kind of health plan is possible these days? Eight hours of sleep and exercise is an oxymoron. The food pyramid is something invented by squirrels, and it seems even the most seemingly innocent things in life can fry your brains and irritate your bowels.

I’m guessing the best plan is to stop reading, turn off the television, and quit listening to the so-called experts. I may never share a segment on the “Today Show” with Willard Scott and a jar of Smucker’s. I may have bags under my eyes and a pooch hanging over my belt, and my cell phone may get me before the bill does, but I’ll leave this world a happy man. After all, they say ignorance is bliss for a reason.