Mitt, you never call anymore. What gives? One week you’re ringing my phone 14 times a day, and the next week you don’t even give me so much as a text message. I’m hurt. But I guess you’re hurt even more. A nearly 13-point, 76,000-vote loss will do that to some people, especially presidential candidates who thought they were going to win the great state of South Carolina just a month ago.

Let me give you a bit of advice the next time you come rolling into town. I know we Southerners are known for our hospitality, but you can’t call people all day, every day, and not expect a few repercussions. Nobody wants to be invited to a rally or hear your positions when our fried chicken and butter beans are getting cold on the dinner table. I know we say “y’all come,” but we don’t really mean it. So if we don’t want you knocking at the front door, then we sure don’t want you wearing out our answering machines.

The fact Ol’ Newt thoroughly blasted Juan Williams and John King for their questions during the debates probably didn’t help you much either, but Mitt, there’s another factor that doomed you from the start. The Speaker is certainly not the perfect candidate, but Newt had one thing going for him that you didn’t. He’s a Southern boy—not by birth, but by the grace of God. He cut his teeth down here and attended southern schools. He represented Georgia in the U.S. House of Representatives for 20 years, and he now lives in Virginia. That means Newt knows grits go just as well with shrimp as they do with toast and eggs. He knows the SEC doesn’t stand for the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Newt knows words like “you guys and soda” will draw blank expressions down South, while “y’all, fixin’ to,” and any word where an er at the end has been replaced by a uh make perfect sense. A few extra syllables don’t confuse Newt either.

Mitt, the bottom line is this: Newt understands the difference between a Yankee and a Damn Yankee. In case you haven’t learned by now…A Yankee is decent enough to stay north of the Mason-Dixon line. The other kind come down here to complain about the heat, our accents, and anything else that isn’t done like they do it up north.

I’m sure you’re a decent enough fellow, but unfortunately for you, we Southerners have been known to hold a grudge once in a while. Sure we lost that “War of Northern Aggression” a few years back, and I’m pretty sure we realize the South won’t rise again. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still win a few battles now and then.

When all things are fairly equal, we’ll go with the guy who can stand the humidity.