I’m sending imaginary cards this year
They are the bane of my existence every year.
Every year, I go out and buy all of these Christmas cards, and every year I pack them away with my decorations, usually sending out five or six out of guilt to someone who sent me one. I could probably send a Christmas card to every home in the state at this point.
Cards are nice to get, and it seems more and more people are doing the pleasant family portrait on theirs.
I want to go and live with these people and see how it’s done.
I especially love the photo-cards that include the pets, which are almost always dogs.
You can slap a leash on a dog and take it almost anywhere, and a dog will sit beside you and grin at a cameral.
I have cats. Cats will not sit beside you and pose.
Especially cats that used to be wild and that you tamed. Or sort of tamed. I have three cats.
I have a black cat named O.J. and that in itself is a whole other column. I got him out west when he was four, and he was born during O.J.’s trial. And he already knew his name. He is a well traveled cat and I can do almost anything with him. He would pose for a photo shoot.
But O.J. has two sisters. Molly and Scrappy were wild cats that chose to live in our backyard. Well…Molly came to us three years ago and began having kittens. Scrappy is her kitten.
It took a lot of work, and we accidently captured three of the neighbor’s cats and one very confused possum in those humane cages, but they are both spayed now and while they will sit beside us and sleep with us, I don’t see those two going to a photo studio and quietly sitting on either side of my husband, stepson and me. I don’t see them going to a photo studio at ALL.
The next best thing would be to have someone come here and take the photo. Well….yeah…that would be great. Only Molly and Scrappy tend to want to run upstairs when people they consider strangers are here. I tried to get Molly to take a photo with me once. I still have the scars to prove it. Scrappy isn’t much better. She has, after all, earned her name.
So I thought of the next next best thing. Instead of a posed Christmas photo, I would just take individual pictures of the cats and Marty and Van, and they would take some of me. Then we would do a collage Christmas card.
Since O.J. will pose for a photo, I have tons of him looking ever so handsome. I have great photos of my husband and my son. I have photos of me with my husband and my son. I have photos of all of us with O.J.
So what’s the problem, you ask. It’s the girls. They don’t like the flash. Or the camera.
I have dozens of photos of Molly and
Scrappy’s tails. There are quite a few of their blurry bodies dashing away from the camera and one of Scrappy clawing my husband. (My son doesn’t want to hold the cats now…go figure.)
And here it is….Christmas once more and I have no family Christmas cards to send. But I’m getting more and more cards every day. I mean….where do these people find the time? Some of the cards are nicely posed with the entire family, dog included. Everyone is dressed nice and looks like….well, a picture post card. All are embossed with a special holiday wish and all of the names of the people in the family. Some even add a little personal message.
Thank heavens people are beginning to catch on that no one really likes getting those stupid “catchup” letters anymore. You know the ones.
“Little Johnny got all A’s in kindergarten this year and thinks he may become a world famous finger painter.” Or “little Suzie won first place at the State Fair’s ‘Why I love my Gramma’ essay. (And you just KNOW that Gramma wrote the essay anyway since little Suzie is all of five. Sometimes they even attach the essay! Sheesh!)
So…..don’t look for a card from me this year. As a matter of fact, picture a woman, a man, and a teenage boy, each holding a squirming cat and think “Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!” Sort of an imaginary card. No trees died to make them, and they won’t ever be in a land fill polluting the water levels.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you from all of us!