2011-03-18 / Commentary

It’s not a criticism; It’s an observation

Charlie’s kids
By Mike Cox

Three weeks ago, the Dan Patrick radio show featured a sound bite of Charlie Sheen talking to the UCLA baseball team. His sage advice included “stay off crack” and “drink chocolate milk.” Two lifestyle rules worth following. The next Monday Dan conducted a long interview with Charlie, who sounded relatively sane. Since then Sheen has gone viral, as the kids say.

He has conducted dozens of interviews and attracted more and more attention as his comments appear to get crazier and crazier. Charlie has become the hottest topic in our faux news world. Even Desmond, my new life coach, is affected. He cancelled my latest appointment, saying he was too distraught to concentrate on my life when Sheen was destroying his. I’m sure this topic will dominate my next Monday therapy session.

With all the real problems affecting people who don’t have the means to improve their lives, we always pay an inordinate amount of attention to the rich, famous, and insane. I guess we never overcome the attraction of freaks and train wrecks. And Charlie Sheen’s life is a freaky, out of control train wreck occurring in slow motion.

The latest issue seems to be Charlie’s children. His lovely ex–wife has used this opportunity to attempt to wrest away any connection he has with the kids, citing his erratic behavior, and wildly gyrating public statements.

Things are so dire the Today Show assembled a panel of mental health experts to discuss the children’s wellbeing. The Today Show staff was able to find young and good looking child psychologists on short notice.

Everyone expressed deep concern for the children and shared ways to protect the Sheen offspring from irreparable harm. I can’t help but think that the residuals from Two and a Half Men will keep the Sheen kids from harm long after most American children have to go out into the workplace and see what real life is about.

We care a lot about kids. Every time a politician runs for office, especially if he is trying to restrict someone’s personal liberty, it is to save the children. We are fighting savagely with each other right now over unborn children. The ones already here aren’t getting too much support.

One million kids die each year from impure drinking water: one million. I’ve never seen any experts, even ugly ones, discussing this issue on the Today Show. Malaria kills another 100,000 annually, mostly in poor countries. No one seems to be able to stop this, either. There is a lame effort to buy mosquito netting but nothing else. I can’t help but think if there were fetuses dying of malaria, the outcry would be universal.

In a few weeks, the Sheen children will fade from our concerns as new things happen to the rich and famous for us to worry about, just like Tiger’s kids, Anna Nicole’s kids, and David Hasselhoff’s kids.

Meanwhile, Congress, looking to shrink government costs without harming the pocketbooks of their millionaire friends, plans to reduce education, housing, and medical funding for those among us who are too poor to provide for themselves.

Maybe Charlie Sheen will be a spokesperson for them.

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