I watched Ernest Borgnine as Ragnar rape and pillage the Irish

countryside in The

Vikings before I could drive. The movie featured marauding savages terrorizing English rich folks, and then partying like it was 999. Last week I made the mistake of watching it again.

Vikings are depicted as superstitious fellows who worry about the fog and seek omens from their god, Odin. They can only get to Valhalla by dying with a sword in their hand. I guess women weren’t allowed in Valhalla, which would make it either Heaven or Hell, depending on your perspective.

Ragnar attacks a small time despot on the Irish coast and leaves the queen with a souvenir. The result is a half Viking baby who grows up to be Tony Curtis. The new king of the castle is an unworthy cousin, who worries that Tony will one day come to reclaim the crown so he arranges a marriage with a young princess who can give him an heir and shut Tony out of the inheritance sweepstakes.

But Tony ends up a slave in the Viking settlement with his buddy, a deaf mute who discovered the compass. Kirk Douglas, who is Ragnar’s son, gets into a dispute with Tony that costs him an eye but results in a really cool eye patch. Tony is thrown in the tide pool full of hungry crabs but survives, thanks to a wild –eyed old witch.

During a raid on the English, Ragnar and Kirk capture the weaselly king’s future queen. To give you an idea how old this movies is, the bride–to–be is played by Janet Lee, the mother of Jamie Lee Curtis, the woman who now sells Activa.

Kirk and Tony both fall in love with the captive wench. Kirk tries to impress her in the usual Viking way. He gets drunk and attacks her on her prison boat. Tony tries a different approach; he rescues her and takes her home to England using the deaf slave’s compass.

The Vikings try to follow but get lost in the fog. Ragnar crashes and is captured. Tony allows him to die as a Viking with sword in his hand in the King’s hungry dog pit. He wisely hands the sword to Ragnar with his left hand and is punished by having his offending hand lopped off.

Tony escapes and goes back to Norse country. He joins forces with Kirk, who is organizing a return trip to get Jamie Lee’s momma back. The Vikings beat the English as usual, but the real fight is Tony against Kirk. It is just like Spartacus, but in this one the winner gets the girl rather than crucified.

Janet tells Kirk that Tony is his half brother; something Tony doesn’t know. When Kirk gets the upper hand and hesitates, Tony kills him with his broken sword.

The movie ends with a traditional Viking burial at sea. No one bothered to consider that it would be real crowded on the return trip with one less ship, but that’s the Viking way. The moral is never hesitate when fighting a one–handed half brother.

And never watch an old movie you really liked as a teenager.