“Daddy, you’re not obese!”

These are the words of comfort my two daughters offered me last Saturday after my new Wii Fit video game told me otherwise. I thought I was doing pretty well. A month ago, I was eight days from completing the P90X work–out program. I’d done more push–ups, pull–ups, and sit–ups in those 82 days on the program than I’d attempted in all the previous 14,000 days of my life. My wife even said she could almost see some semblance of a stomach muscle in my midsection when I stood up completely straight.

I realized a long time ago that no matter how many crunches I grunted out, my affection for Moose Tracks ice cream would never have Tony Horton (Mr. P90X) clambering for my before and after pictures, but I didn’t think obesity was in my neighborhood. Even after pollen season hit with a vengeance, and, just to survive this last yellow month, my workout routine switched from curling dumbbells and swallowing multivitamins to lifting Mountain Dews and popping Advil Cold and Sinus, I was comfortable in the knowledge a few short weeks ago my stomach nearly produced a muscle. I had to be in decent shape.

But my Wii’s little fitness test and weigh–in came up with an entirely different conclusion. To my horror, my Mii (the little digital character I created to represent me) grew a big gut right before my eyes, and my weight registered directly between overweight and obese. I bought this thing so I could pretend I was C.J. Spiller, and here it was telling me Super Mario looked better in a Speedo than me. Panicked, I searched around for a little sympathy, and the best my kids could come up with was, “Daddy, you’re not obese!”

How about, “Daddy, my friend told me Wii’s are deceptive. They just say you’re fat, so you’ll exercise on it until it breaks, and then you’ll buy another one…and another one…and another one. You’re actually in better shape than Lance Armstrong.”?

Is that too much to ask? So I haven’t worked out in a while, but telling me I’m not obese leaves significant wiggle room. There’s a lot of chart between “not obese” and “Rambo.” My children should be old enough to know honesty is not always the best policy, and Wiis can go in the garbage if Daddy is not happy.

My only solace was that my wife took the Wii fit test, too. It told her she needed to gain 20 pounds giving us essentially the same ideal weight. I guess the Wii didn’t take gender into account or the fact that I hadn’t seen that so–called ideal weight since my sophomore year in high school. I’ve walked through a whole lot of Moose Tracks since then. I’m not sure what this Wii is trying to accomplish, but I paid too much money for it to tell me I look like a Mario brother.