Just what we needed… more good news from the Associated Press. The brain starts its decline at age 40.

I just turned 39 and now medical research suggests that I've peaked. It's all down hill from here. According to the AP story, Dr. George Bartzokis a neurologist at the University of California, Los Angeles, says his research concludes that myelin health peaks at age 39. Apparently, myelin is insulation around our nerve fibers. The nerve fibers deliver the messages from the brain to muscles, organs, and all that other gross stuff. So when myelin goes, so does the part of the brain in charge of motion. That would explain how it's real easy for me to sit and watch 12 straight hours of college football any given Saturday.

"Sorry, Honey, I can't mow the grass, my myelin is degrading!"

Another scientist in the story, Dr. Zoe Arvanitakis a neurologist from Rush University Medical Center in Chicago, wants to see if the brain's cognitive abilities share a similar fate as fine motor skills after a certain age. I can save Dr. Arvanitakis the trouble of a long, involved study. The answer is, yes. Cognitive abilities do peak at a certain age. I believe it's 12- years- old, because I haven't really been able to think clearly since I turned 13.

My brain function has shifted its areas of degradation over the years. When I was a teenager, I'm pretty sure the hormones destroyed all logical thought, and it took me all of my 20s to shake off that hormone- induced fog. I didn't sleep during my 30s so I'm pretty sure myelin had nothing to do with my lack of brain function. No amount of myelin can compete with 3 am feedings and teething. Luckily, God gave us Mountain Dew. However, Mountain Dew can only wake me up, but it doesn't make me smarter.

I guess that's one of the reasons why I get so easily confused at gas stations. These pay- at- the- pump systems ask so many questions that I often forget if I'm getting gas or giving blood. I can understand why the Red Cross gives donors the third degree. Who wants blood from a monkey- owning, hemophiliac, drug addict donor that vacations in Africa and plays darts with dirty hypodermic needles? Not me. But do I really need to be subjected to a survey every time I fill up my car?

Credit or Debit? Receipt? Car wash? Are you interested in a BP card? Would you like a 72- ounce Super Slushy today? How about one of our hot dogs that's been spinning on metal bars for a couple of years? Do you like movies about gladiators? NO! Well, actually yes, but just let me pump my gas and go home! Life is too short for so many questions and my myelin is degrading as we speak.