The man had a trombone stuck to his mailbox. Rick and I couldn't help it. One day when we were bored, my brother and I decided to investigate the trombone in the mailbox. I was six and Rick was four, so disaster was imminent. But we couldn't hear the background music rising to a dramatic level, so it wasn't really our fault.

The end result was a broken trombone, and we were the prime suspects. Dad's interrogation technique was simple, direct, and real effective. We were squealing our guilt within seconds. We might have held out longer if part of our punishment had been made aware. We were going to have to apologize in person.

I'm not sure about Rick, but this was one of the hardest things I ever had to do; much harder than the spanking that went along with it. I was used to those. Of course in those days, apologies were usually appropriate and meant something.

Today, apologies are a politically correct means of dealing with embarrassing incidents without any real punishment associated with the act. Kobe Bryant, Elliott Spitzer, and Bill Clinton all read professionally written, carefully rehearsed apologies for recent indiscretions. We all knew they were really only sorry for getting caught. But apologies like these aren't so irritating these days. At least these guys were guilty of something.

We are enduring a rash of things being apologized for that the apologists had nothing to do with. Every company that benefited from slavery has apologized for it. So has every country involved in the trade; except for the African nations who actually captured and sold the slaves. There is currently a bill in the Senate to apologize to the natives for stealing their land, obliterating their culture, and decimating whole nations of their people. No one is willing to make it right, but we're, you know, sorry.

A tiny Fijian island community called Nubutautau has apologized to the family of Reverend Thomas Baker, a former missionary they killed and dined on 500 years ago. The entire town participated in a tearful ceremony with as many of the good reverend's relatives as they could find. I'm not sure what they had for dinner.

Without question the champion of apologists has to be the Church of England. Having already apologized for the aforementioned slavery and the Crusades, to Galileo, the Jews, and gypsies, the Church of England is now sorry for giving Charles Darwin such a hard time.

Most of the Darwin family is either under whelmed or bemused, not quite sure why this is even taking up time. The worst problem for the church these days is trying to keep the Archbishop of Canterbury's foot out of his mouth. Anyone with such a striking resemblance to Jack Elam has enough issues without speaking with his brain in neutral.

I want to go on record as having apologized for whatever my ancestors have done that is politically incorrect in the past. I don't know what it is, but I'm sure if I were in the limelight, someone would surely tell me.