Hey Al, if we've got global warming, then why is my community pool so darn cold? I don't think I'm that far off in assuming that if a little smog can heat up the entire Atlantic Ocean, then surely it can warm up a few thousand gallons of chlorinated water just before the Memorial Day holiday.

It's not like the so- called global warming doesn't have a little help when it comes to heating up a pool. I mean there are at least 20 to 30 little kids swimming in our pool at one time or another on any given day. There's always a line at the snack bar during break time, but no one ever seems to be in the bathroom.

Something's not adding up.

I know the kid dangling from the dolphin float in the shallow end doesn't have that look of relief on his face because his Home Depot stock just shot up five points. Thankfully, there's so much chlorine in our pool that sometimes I feel like I've been swimming in a bottle of bleach, but that beats the alternative. Despite what I may or may not be swimming in, Al Gore has promised me warmer waters, and he just isn't delivering.

I invite him to take that one final leap off the steps of my pool next Memorial Day. That leap is the one that will submerse his little Gores into our joyful pool of ice water. After he does that, his poll numbers won't be the only things shrinking. Suddenly, the disappearance of the polar ice caps won't seem like that big a deal. Ol' Al may become a gas-guzzling, litterbug with a taste for prime rib and barbecue. He may even build a mansion in the midst of a Brazilian rain forest, but maybe I'm just getting my hopes up.

My kids don't seem to mind if an ice burg floats by them in the midst of all that joy. All they care about is the opening weekend of the pool and if I can find their floats. Cold water seems to have more of an effect on parents than children, despite the fact that most of the kids' lips are blue and their teeth are chattering by the end of the day. It's Memorial Day! We must swim!

So Al, what do I have to do to avoid this annual ritual? What do I have to do to shorten the 30- minute acclimation process? Why is my belly- button, the area with the most protective blubber, so completely cold- water intolerant? Is this decent into a bucket of ice water a form of torture? Do we make terrorists jump in cold water? I bet we'd get some answers quick if Al Qaeda was forced into our pool at the end of May.

I guess there are some things I can count on in life…death, taxes, and some smart- alecky kid doing a cannonball inches from my un- submerged belly five minutes into the acclimation process. But I can't count on Al Gore's theories.

If Al is right and the polar bears are in need of a place to swim, I've got the perfect spot for them. No, there aren't many seals to eat, but we've got one heck of a snack bar…if they don't mind standing in line.