By Warner M. Montgomery
Warner@TheColumbiaStar.com

What is it with people these days? Too much time is spent discussing, analyzing, and equivocating. Solutions to the problems are really quite simple. Any problem can be solved with quick action - no focus groups, no committees, no voting - just simple no nonsense decisionmaking. Surely, it is easy to see that:

If fire ants appear, poison them.

If mosquitoes bite, spray DDT.

If trees get in the way, cut them down.

If a parking lot is needed, demolish the building.

If the price of gas goes up, conquer an Arab country.

If America needs oil, drill.

If SUVs gobble gas, ban them.

If an immigrant is illegal, ship him home.

If someone professes another religion, convert him.

If they stick with their satanic ways, persecute them.

If it is a sin, outlaw it.

If he can't speak English, kick him out.

If a player takes drugs, jail him.

If a coach loses, fire him.

If a criminal is caught, execute him.

If schools are bad, raise taxes.

If a war is waged, win it.

If it causes cancer, abolish it.

If you need money, take out a loan.

If you don't like your looks, get a face lift.

If a burglar enters your home, shoot him.

If a homeless man asks for money, spit on him.

If someone is homosexual, whip them.

If a woman has an abortion, sterilize her.

If you don't want to get pregnant, don't have sex.

If a newspaper reveals a government secret, close it down.

If a TV station permits vulgarity, close it down.

If a river floods, dam it.

If a beach erodes, restore it.

If an animal is on the endangered list, forget it.

To make your life simple, go to our Web site, SimpletonsAnonymous.com, and register. You will receive a free cell phone with our number programmed in. If you have a problem, simply push button 1, and you will receive a simple answer within five seconds. If you don't, hang up. It's as simple as that.