2006-06-09 / On Second Thought

Thirty-something speaks

Darwin was wrong
Mike Maddock

No offense to Charles Darwin, but I think he was a little off base with his theory of evolution. I can see where he was coming from, because we are in fact a little like monkeys. We eat bananas, climb trees, and scratch ourselves inappropriately on occasion, but beyond the entire Adam and Eve concept, his theory leaves room for reasonable doubt. I don't think Darwin took some very important behavioral traits into account before he came to his conclusions.

I'm starting to believe humans may have just evolved from fish, frogs, ducks, or anything that has a remote interest in water. There is no scientific evidence to back my theory, but I have conducted several experiments, which indicate we may have indeed had gills or webbed feet at some point in history.

My experiments are quite simple and my subjects are all over the place. One goes something like this; I take a hose and turn it on in my driveway. This creates a nice puddle. Within five minutes, at least three kids (my own offspring) will be jumping in this water. It can be a gigantic puddle with six inches of water covering my driveway from edge to edge, or it can barely be enough water to fill a shot glass. It does not matter. If it's accessible and wet, my kids will jump in it.

Water's intrinsic and irresistible force isn't limited to puddles. It can be in an empty flowerpot, in the gutter, on the hood of a car, or even in a water fountain...not the kind at a park that costs $360,000 a year to maintain (although that's a magnet too), but the kind that spits out dirty warm drinking water in a mall or at a school.

I've never seen anything like it.

Once a kid spots water, he'll do anything to get at it regardless of the temperature outside. This drive to get into water is instinctual and hard to fight. The pool isn't the most popular destination in the summer time just because it's hot. It's because we can probably all trace our genetic code back to guppies at some point in time.

If Darwin thinks we evolved from monkeys, then how does he explain the fact zoos use water like a mote to keep monkeys inside their cages? Put a mote around kids and they'd be diving into it head first wearing their Sunday best.

Sure, most of us don't look like fish or ducks or frogs, but some people do have a rather poignant smell after they exercise. Pregnant women walk around like mallards in the third trimester, and I know a few people (including myself) that could attract a pond full of frogs with their nighttime breathing habits.

My theory of evolution may not get the attention it deserves, but try looking for kids swinging from tree branches and eating bananas some time. They are hard to find. But peak your head out after a rainstorm and you'll see a school of kids splashing through the street. Someone get me a red pin and Darwin's theory. I've got some editing to do.

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