"I'm not a good speaker," he said as he began his talk at a local club.

"I hate these things, so I'll just speak without it," she said as she moved the microphone.

"I'm not really an expert, but..." he said before addressing a group of experts.

"First, I want to thank God for allowing me to be here today," the keynote speaker began.

"This will be short, I promise," he said as he fumbled with his notes.

These are a few of the ways to quickly turn off an audience.

+ Those who say they aren't good speakers, aren't.

+ Those who turn off the mike, turn off the audience.

+ Those who announce they aren't experts, waste everyone's time.

+ Those who begin by thanking God, need His help before the benediction.

+ Those who promise a short talk, don't have much to say.

I hear dozens of speakers every month. Some of them are excellent: Al Walker, Glen Ward, Rusty DePass, Dotty Boatwright, Temple Ligon, Rex Wilson, Walter Edgar, Lindsay Graham, and Linda Sosbee.

Most, however, tend to put their audience to sleep. And they do it to themselves.

+ He reads his speech after apologizing for having to read it.

+ She footnotes every statement discrediting herself by stringing a bunch of quotes together.

+ He stares at one place in the room (his wife, the corner, his potato) and never makes eye contact with the audience.

The one who makes me nervous unconsciously scratches him/herself. No, no, not there, please.

I am embarrassed by those who constantly sniff and never wipe. Also those who constantly wipe and never sniff.

But I gotta be honest with you, when the speaker announces in mid-speech, "I gotta be honest with you...," he has admitted he was lying all along. I'm outta there.