Kids are much easier to fuss at when they can't talk back. When they're toddling around in a droopy diaper about to jam a fork into an electrical socket it's easy to scream, "Stop!!! Don't do that!" They may continue to charge toward the socket and turn you into something resembling a linebacker chasing down a quarterback more than a parent.

If you happen to get their attention, they may stop, fall on their bottom, and start wailing because you scared them more than the potential 11,000 volts of electricity they were headed for, but they don't talk back.

Once kids discover the art of conversation, discipline becomes a little bit more involved. They turn into little lawyers and start offering explanations for their behavior. One of my kids' favorite tactics is the "I was just" defense.

An I was just defense usually goes something like this...

"Honey, please do not throw spaghetti at your sister."

"I was just letting her taste some."

"No, you were throwing it across the table at her."

"I was just handing it to her really fast."

"No, you were throwing it at her."

"She looked at me funny. I was just defending myself."

"Well, don't do it with marinara sauce, please!"

Suddenly, incidences that should take about two seconds to resolve become long drawn out discussions with no end in sight. Issues that were once resolved with a hug and a pacifier now get more involved than a hostage negotiation. Sometimes I miss the good old days when all my kids could say was, "Goo-goo."

I have developed a counter-defense strategy of my own, although I'm not sure how productive it is. My strategy goes something like this...

"Honey, please do not throw spaghetti at your sister."

"I was just..."

"You were just what? Testing the flight patterns of angel hair pasta? Seeing if meatballs bounce? Developing a cure for the common cold? What? What were you just doing?"

This counter-defense is a diversionary tactic that usually throws them off their "I was just" defense. It leaves them with nothing but honesty or frustration, and it's much more fun for me than listening to them justify a food fight at the dinner table.

Of course, after a while these sweet little innocent angels develop a retaliatory response to your counter-defense, and all of a sudden the noodles actually do become research.

"As a matter of fact, Daddy, my science project is to compare and contrast the effects of gravity on pasta versus the meatball."

At that point I'm left with no choice but to chunk a spoonful of sauce at her and say, "Goo-goo." It may not stop the food fight, but at least I won't have to participate in any more negotiations. She'll be too busy cleaning the sauce off her nose.

I know hurling food across the dinner table is not necessarily the adult thing to do, but after the diplomatic route fails, I feel a little tomato paste shock and awe is justified.