Mike Cox

When I still lived and worked in Birmingham, my office was located in Homewood. Just south of where I–65 and I–459 intersected, there was an area where the working folks and Dilbert clones ate lunch.

Among the restaurant choices was a Chinese buffet place called Mr. Wang’s. About a block away, a former Alabama football player named Bob Baumhower had a sports bar called Wings and Things.

When those native to the South began to discuss lunch plans, invariably, there was confusion among theses two places. Wang’s sounded a lot like Wangs and Thangs to many of us.

To the rest of the country, folks born in the Confederate states talk a little funny. We say stuff like “Carry me to the store,” “I’m fixin’ to do that,” and “Don’t let that sack tump over.” We use words like hosepipe, wollered out, yon’t to, and might coulda.

We even misuse some words in more than one way. In some places, “idea” is “idear.” Other people say they have an idy.

As the years have passed, I’ve noticed fewer people speak Native Southern. For some reason, the purity of the language is disappearing. An influx of Yankees, less acceptance of the expressions, and, of course, movies and rock music, share the blame. Even so, there are large pockets of people who speak like my grandfather spoke and lots of others who understand.

Teaching the King’s English in Southern schools has to be one of the most frustrating occupations in America. Kids are taught proper language habits in class, then go home to the same bad grammar and colloquial expressions they are used to.

With all this in play, I find it interesting my home state is strongly considering becoming one of the few states that requires drivers license exams to be given in English.

The idea behind all this is to either force Hispanics to learn our ways and customs or keep them from getting drivers licenses. Since there are few ways and customs we can claim, the latter is probably the case.

What is ironic about the whole thing is that this bit of legislation, which is intended to preserve Alabama’s sovereignty, might cause more trouble than anything. A driver’s exam in correct English will cause as many problems for natives as it will for the Spanish speaking folks it targets.

In 2004, the Alabama legislature tried to enact a bill to clarify the laws against stealing horses, mules, and asses. The language, even though supported by the Alabama Horse Council, ended up wiping out the statute making stealing horses illegal.

I’m not sure if anyone got away with another’s prize stallion before the boys in Montgomery corrected their mistake, but the point is valid. Alabama’s legislature is capable of messing up a one car parade. That’s the problem with passing volatile, short-sighted legislation designed to get its supporters re– elected.

Now, I’m not saying this is the case in Alabama, but I sure would hate to see the folks back home having a tougher time getting their drivers license because their lawmakers passed a bill without thinking it through. It sure wouldn’t be the first time.