Mike Cox My son spoke with the confidence and conviction of a true believer. He was telling me about a golfing acquaintance in Pennsylvania who claimed to support Alabama.

“He had Bama head covers and a 1992 National Championship towel, but I wasn’t sure he was a real Alabama fan. Then he showed up one day wearing an orange shirt with blue stripes. I told him the question wasn’t why he would wear such a thing, but why he would even own it.”

Real college football fans have two things in common; unquestioned loyalty to their team, and extreme distaste for the arch–rival. For Alabama fans, that would be Auburn and Tennessee. I’m not sure why we have two, but we do. It is convenient, they both wear orange. This makes things much simpler. I hate orange.

I’m not talking about Clemson orange. The woman who’s garbage I’m responsible for graduated from that fine school, and the people who write my checks for this paper also support the Upstate university, so I have no problem with the lovely shade of orange Clemson wears.

I’m talking about that pukey, pale orange the Volunteers wear, the shade that screws up the TV if a lot of it appears onscreen. And I’m talking about the tint of orange Auburn wears, the kind that alters one’s personality if worn often.

All college rivalries have something they find extremely distasteful about their primary rival, whether it’s attitude, location, or team colors. This is what makes beating them so much fun, and losing to them so hard to take.

There is nothing as satisfying as knowing you are better than the other guys for 365 days. Ask a Sooner about Texas, a Trojan about Notre Dame, or a Buckeye about Michigan. Their fans believe as I do.

For Alabama fans, color is important. I can’t stand orange, won’t wear it, won’t own it. I was looking for work a few years back and applied to Lowe’s. I couldn’t bring myself to do the same at Home Depot because I wouldn’t wear the vest. A potential customer of mine requires visitors to wear a bright orange smock for identification. I’m secretly hoping I don’t get the account.

The only thing worse than the color orange is Rocky Top. During the third week of October, the Alabama football team gets ready for the Volunteers by playing the song over and over at full blast during practice. No wonder the Tide always plays Tennessee as if lives are at stake.

During the nine years I lived in Chattanooga, I heard Rocky Top by mariachi bands, steel drum bands, and bluegrass bands. Every high school band was required to perform it during halftime and most bar bands would play it when they took a break. You can understand why I hit the mute button when it plays now.

Even without sound, it’s hard to keep watching when Tennessee’s gigantic coach appears onscreen in a quadruple X orange golf shirt. Do you realize how many little oranges had to give their lives to dye that much material? Oh, the humanity!