I just saw The Brothers Grimm at Regal Rooftop Cinemas at Richland Fashion Mall. It’s a great theater, but it wasn’t a good movie. I went with my parents to see this film because my movie buddy was unavailable. I think the fates conspired to save me a load of embarrassment. My first shock was the graphic preview from The Possession of Emily Rose . No child, even over 13, should have seen that. I would have been mortified if I had been responsible for exposing my movie buddy to that spectacle. The Brothers Grimm wasn’t exactly tame either.

I won’t say I hated the whole movie because some of the special effects were cool. For example, the witch in the mill, the moving trees in the enchanted forest, and the woodsman that morphed in to a wolf were pretty neat. Even so, I could see where it would make younger children uncomfortable.

Other parts, like when the child’s face melted and when the horse swallowed the child would have given younger children nightmares for weeks. A few episodes of animal cruelty, which I won’t describe, would have been better left out. The severed heads were really grisly, and the French were portrayed as cruel and stupid.

This movie was fairy tale stew. You see… Little Red Riding Hood, Gretel, and various other young girls were kidnapped so their youth could be used to restore the wicked Phyryngean Queen to her youth and beauty. This queen appeared to be a mix of the evil queen from Snow White and Rapunzel trapped in a magical tower.

There was an old crone peddling suspicious apples. There were glass slippers and sleeping princesses who could be awakened by a kiss. There were also references to Rumplestiltskin and a handful of magic beans.

The problem is I don’t like my fairy tales this random. I also think Grimm’s fairy tales tend to be gruesome enough without adding grisly flourishes.

The acting was adequate. In some scenes Heath Ledger was almost good, but the Italian guy was a bit over the top and was somewhat daft. The French general was arrogant, shallow, and more than a little bit obnoxious.

I longed to see a dragon miraculously appear and burn him to a cinder…but then there aren’t any dragons in Grimm’s fairy tales are there?

This movie is NOT for children…NOT for the faint of heart...and NOT worth the money! In my mind I originally awarded this movie 2 stars for special effects and action…What was I thinking? Let’s make that one and a half stars.

John Dixon is a seventh grader at Cardinal Newman Middle School and a cub reporter for The Columbia Star.