I went to see March with the Penquins last weekend. It was marvelous, an absolute photography miracle. It was a serious documentary about the life of penquins in Antartica. It’s only the third movie I’ve seen in a theater in five years, and now I know why.

Mamas and grandmothers were constantly taking kids through the seats, down the aisles, and out of the theatre, and then back in. The movie was not appropriate for any child under twelve, and when the giant seal opened its huge mouth and ate a penquin, children started screaming and crying.

But the worst thing was a young girl about six who kept going in and out of the theater by herself. This was a great opportunity for a pedophile.

Parents, please check the ratings for movies. If your child cannot sit for two hours, don’t take him to any movie in a theater. And if you do, take your child to a movie appropriate for his age level and experience, stay with him at all times so we won’t see you on the news begging the kidnapper to return your child alive. We who pay good money to enjoy a movie would certainly appreciate it.

The good news is I did not hear a single cell phone ring.