Just relax, the doctor told me. Easier said than done. I have two weeks and six days of vacation time left to recover from my cosmetic surgery. Every day I pop Valium to keep calm and put ice packs and grease on my face.

At night, I can’t hug my pillow, coil up on my side, and sleep in the fetal position. It is so hard to sleep on my back. Moving into the AARP circle is the pits!

I remember one night when Gracie Gravity stole my thighs from me during the night. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else’s thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. I finally resigned to living my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

To calm myself down, I turned on the tube and there was Oprah.

“Today, girlfriends,” Oprah began, “the horror stories of plastic surgery. Three guests tell their story of how they were robbed from the surgery they thought would help them become young again.”

Click! Off went television.

I picked up my favorite magazine. Thumbing through the pages, a particular article instantly caught my eye. The headlines read: Botox destroys facial muscles-patient paralyzed!

Slam! Down went the magazine.

My heart was beating out of my chest. What if? Could it be me? Did I make the right decision? What lies under these bandages? If I could only peek.

I was ready to rip off the bandages wrapped around my head when the phone rang.

“Hi, Sheeva,” the voice said. “Cheeva here. You asked me the other day what lipstick I was wearing. It’s called Fire–Engine Red, but you can only get from my dermatologist. I wear special make-up because, well, it’s really no secret. I had a face lift last year. It was the best thing I’ve ever done! I’ll talk to you later!”

Thank you, Cheeva.

I ate my herbs, swallowed my Valium, and laid in the corpse position on the bed. I was ready for my first good night’s sleep until . . . I heard a crash from the kitchen pantry!

Read next week’s Sheeva. What or who is in the kitchen? If you wish to share something with Sheeva, send her an email c/o mimim@sc.rr.com or write to her at P. O. Box 5955, Columbia, SC 29250.