(L–r) Marcello, 17 months; Antonio, 21 months; Angelo, five months; with adoptive parents Steve and Linda Neis in the playroom at their Columbia home.

* Names of birth mothers have been

changed to protect their idenities

“I have him, do you still want him?” Sarah* said to the Neis family over the phone. She was speaking of Antonio, the Neis’ now 21–month–old son. “She was afraid we were not sure about an interracial adoption,” Linda Neis said. “She thought we might say ‘no’.”

The Neis’ story with Antonio began when Sarah, his birth mother, chose Steve and Linda to be Antonio’s adoptive parents through adoption attorney Paul Meding. The Neis family had the nursery prepared in their Columbia home in anticipation of Antonio’s arrival, but it wouldn’t be until several months later that he would join their family.

According to the Neis family, a Department of Social Services (DSS) social worker convinced Sarah, who was in prison at the time, that she should find a family member to pick up Antonio after she gave birth. She had six hours to find someone. Antonio’s birth father answered the call.

“He just disappeared,” Steve said. “Until around Thanksgiving time when we got a call from Sarah. She was in NJ.”

The Neises were thrilled to have Antonio, the son they thought they may never bring home; however, he would not be coming home as an only child.

One week after Antonio had disappeared, the Neises received a call from Melanie Chastain, an adoption paralegal who works with Meding. Another birth mother had chosen them for her child, Marcello.

“She was perparing to go to an adoption agency in Utah when she changed her mind,” Steve said. Steve and Linda embraced Marcello’s birth mother, Laura*, and her entire family. “It really is like getting an extended family,” Linda said.

Linda was very close with Laura throughout her pregnancy, taking her to doctor’s appointments and being present for all the sonograms. Laura wanted Linda present in the delivery room. “I was able to cut Marcello’s umbilical cord!” Linda said. “Not everyone can say they’ve done that for their child.”

The Neises were settling into their life with two new young sons, when they received a phone call from Chastain. “Laura* was expecting another baby,” Steve said. “She wanted to keep the brothers together.”

Five months ago, the Neises brought Angelo home. Not long after he came home, Angelo developed a serious respiratory condition and had to stay in the intensive care unit for two weeks. “The entire family took turns watching him,” Linda said. Angelo’s birth relatives, as well as the Neis family, made sure there was always someone there for him. “That is what was so great. We had a complete family health history,” Steve said. “His birth relatives were there in case we needed any information.” They would also be there in case either of the boys should need health assistance a blood relative could offer.

Linda, a nurse anesthetist, and Steve, a deltiologist (antique photo restorer), are extremely open with their birth mothers. “Not every open adoption family is like the Neises,” Chastain said. “But they are a great example of how it could be.” They recently held an extended family picnic that was attended by many of Marcello and Angelo’s birth relatives.

The Neises discovered open adoption through the Adoption Family Support Group at Saxe Gotha Presbyterian Church in Lexington. At first they had considered international adoption but were discouraged by the overwhelming amount of time and money involved. Then they discovered open adoption. “There is a misconception that you can’t adopt domestically, or there aren’t any newborns,” Steve said.

“You have to be realistic,” Linda said. “Some people are looking for the perfect child who has a mother who doesn’t smoke, drink, or has never touched drugs. That’s rarely possible.” The Neises set reasonable expectations, and before they knew it, they were raising three boys.

Steve and Linda intend to keep an open relationship with the extended birth families. “Having more people to love you can’t hurt,” Linda said.

Their recommendation to those looking to adopt is to attend a local support group and find the method of adoption that best suits their personalities. “Open adoption worked for us, but it might not work for everyone.”