Property taxes are soaring. Traffic is terrible. There’s nothing worthwhile on TV. Sprawl is gobbling up Richland and Lexington counties. And Social Security is going broke.

The worst thing, however, is that we are losing our Southern culture right before our deep–fried eyes. More and more folks from the North are moving in and corrupting our Southern way of life.

Rep. Jim Clyburn wants to save Gullahs and Geechies, and I applaud his efforts. But it seems to me he ought to be leading the charge to save the Southern drawl, the language that made us famous.

I feel my mother tongue is being ripped out every time a waitress says, “My name is Ashley, and I’m your server. What would you guys like to drink?” You guys!?

The very essence of our proud dialect, y’all , is being replaced by you guys . My wonderful wife Linda, a true Southern Belle, objects to being called a guy. She also objects to being called a gal. She wants us to be y’alls. I’m with her 100%.

English has a strange problem, you is both singular and plural, and it has never really worked. Way back before the recent unpleasantness, Southerners invented you all , contracted to y’all . Y’all , in spite of what the invaders say, means more than one person. A true Southerner never uses y’all to refer to just one person.

I stand tall for y’all . When I first ventured North, I was pummeled with you guys . I demanded grits, biscuits, and collards, and continued to retaliate with as many y’alls as I could muster.

Now the conspiracy has reached my hometown. I protest! I demand that true Southern restaurateurs teach their imported servers to speak the native language. In the name of all that is pure, I want to hear, “Mornin’, hon’. My name’s Scarlett. Here’s y’all’s sweet tea. What else y’all want?”

Southerners unite! Stand tall for y’all .