Mike Cox Anna Karenina, Tolstoy’s classic novel about life and adultery, has been called the greatest book ever written. It’s also been called so boring it can replace Sominex. The descriptive language and drawn out conversations are capable of putting many modern readers soundly to sleep. Like other renowned works of past eras, Tolstoy’s masterpiece suffers when compared to today’s lightweight books and authors.

Few people under 40, who aren’t English majors, can get through one of the classics without displaying great willpower. We just aren’t used to writing like that in today’s short–attention span, fast–paced world.

So it comes as a surprise to find Anna Karenina currently listed on the New York Times bestseller list. At least it’s a surprise until you find out why. A while back, Oprah mentioned the book favorably on her show. The result was a sudden rise in popularity. This is further proof, if any was needed, that Oprah Winfrey is easily the most powerful person in the world. No one else is even close.

All she has to do is mention a movie, book, singer, or actor on her show or in her magazine, and success is assured. Of course, Oprah is careful to make sure all her recommendations fit into the strike zone of her viewers. She is astutely aware how fickle the public is; a few missteps and she would end up like Debra Norville.

Oprah’s most impressive accomplishment was making Dr. Phil a star. This guy is bald, chunky with no personality. He is basically a psychic. Dr. Phil tells people stuff they already know, but it sounds better coming from him because he has validity. And he got his validity from Oprah Winfrey.

After a few times dispensing his homespun wisdom on Oprah’s show and getting on–air raves from her, he received his own hour–long program, complete with a website.

“Mrs. Adams, you are 100 pounds overweight and can’t walk across the room without resting. Even my old hound dog knows a little less food and a little more exercise will make you feel better.”

“ Wow, Dr. Phil, no one ever told me that before. You are a genius!” Standing ovation.

The quickest way to re–establish stardom seems to be for a famous person to fall on hard times, then re–invent himself on Oprah’s show or in her magazine. I swear I saw Robert Downey Jr. singing a couple of weeks ago on her show. I thought he was still in prison.

I have figured out the way to unfathomable riches isn’t the 43.3 billion we Americans spend on lottery tickets each year. I plan to coerce Oprah into telling her faithful viewers she likes my book.

My plan is simple. I will get Oprah to make my book a Book Club selection of the month. This distinction guarantees instant riches and maybe a TV movie. I envision a Lifetime Special Presentation starring Meredith Baxter Birney and Connie Seleca.

I will need to change the plot a little. Add a couple of switched babies and an abusive husband who meets a gruesome but justified end. The hero will have to become a heroine, maybe someone suffering from bulimia.

Scoff if you must, but it has a good chance of working. I’m going to keep reading the Enquirer until I track down the source for all those love triangle rumors involving Oprah and her boyfriend, Stedman Graham. I’ll convince that “personal friend” to trick Oprah into reading my book, Finding Daddy Cox. After I finish the plot changes, she will love it. The rest will be easy.