Mike Maddock I firmly believe I could have lived a happy and very fulfilling life without ever hearing the phrase, “feminine odor and itching.” A free and open society is a beautiful thing, and progress is inevitable, but I really don’t think our civil liberties would be in danger if we just left this kind of stuff between a woman and her pharmacist. Society would continue to progress and move forward without these types of problems broadcast over the public airwaves.

I can’t turn on the television now without being bombarded by some type of new product that claims to solve the most intimate problems of the female species. My wife has given birth to three children, and I’ve been extremely involved with each and every pregnancy from start to finish...sometimes whether I wanted to or not. So I am very familiar with the good, the bad, and the ugly of the feminine world.

Pregnancy and child birth are miraculous events. I cherish and give thanks to God for all three babies He saw fit to bless me with, but I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been witness to some things that will haunt me forever. I don’t need to turn on the TV and learn more about the perils of femininity.

It’s good to be a guy. Sure we have our issues too, but, with the possible exception of that horrible toe fungus monster commercial, we don’t broadcast them during Oprah. These ads have no boundaries. Couldn’t we relegate them to the Lifetime channel and not plaster them all across prime time?

Commercials used to be subtle. Remember when a mother and daughter could stroll down the beach and discuss that “not so fresh feeling?” We knew what they were talking about. We didn’t need a list of symptoms or facial expressions to get the message. Now we get details and schematic drawings of things with wings . Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m watching a maxi–pad commercial or a documentary on the latest weapons to fight the war on terror. I’ve learned things from commercials I never needed to know.

Who knew it was dangerous for women to stand up quickly during that monthly cycle? These are the little details I could live a lifetime without. I’m really not sure if these blatantly blunt advertisements are meant for women or they’re part of some grand conspiracy from the women’s rights movement to scare the devil out of men.

These commercials just aren’t painting a very pretty picture. I thought men were supposed to be the itchy and smelly creatures of this earth.

I don’t understand (and maybe I’m not supposed to) how this barrage of feminine hygiene appeals to women either. Ladies used to go to the drugstore and take care of these little issues quite anonymously, but not anymore.

Now, thanks to the wonderful world of television advertising, we’re all well informed. Now, if some poor woman sticks a tube of Vagisil on the counter at Eckerds, everybody in the store knows what’s wrong with her. In the good old days, she could have thrown that tube of Vagisil on the counter with a bottle of Pert and all us blissfully ignorant men would have just thought it was some fancy kind of conditioner. Life was simpler then.

My 35th birthday is fast approaching, and maybe that explains why I’m turning into such an old fuddy duddy, but I honestly can’t remember a time in my life when I would have gladly welcomed all this openness. Some things are just better left unsaid.

God did something right when he created women, and he didn’t curse them with anything that couldn’t be solved by a private conversation with a physician or a locked bathroom door. Leave the scratching and strange smells to us.